


Some Damned Shoujo Manga

by Crawlingthroughashes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Getting Together, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-17 15:50:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5876674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crawlingthroughashes/pseuds/Crawlingthroughashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was nothing wrong with acknowledging skill when he saw it.</p><p>The real problem began when Noya started focusing less on serves and spikes and technique, and more on flyaway strands escaping messy buns, nervous half-smiles, and an impressive five o'clock shadow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Damned Shoujo Manga

Hours later, after the fluorescent lights went dim and the last squeak of shoes faded from the gym, Noya found himself hunched over in the supply closet. He was alone and it was quiet. It was the type of heavy silence that made him painfully aware of his own harsh breathing and stuttering heartbeat. There were faint tremors running down his arms that were just as much the product of anger as they were hurt. In his left hand, he cradled the wooden splinters from a cracked broom. The jagged fragments bit into the flesh of his palm, but he took no notice. 

_(You pushed too hard and you messed up. You always mess everything up.)_

He was too numb to feel the sting. 

  


  


It happened what seemed like a lifetime later (though, really, it was just a month), but eventually his suspension on club activities was lifted. That meant he was permitted to return to Karasuno's volleyball club. He could play again. He could feel the texture of a volleyball splayed across his fingertips, watch as familiar purplish bruises began creeping up his skin from constantly diving across the hardwood floor. 

But things were different. There were new additions to the team: a smartass, a cocky bastard, a freckled kid, and an adorable red-head who had already called him "senpai" a total of six times. 

It was fine, it wasn't a bad sort of change, but it was also... 

_Wrong._ So, so wrong.  
  
  
  
  
"Come on bro," Tanaka pleaded after practice had ended, his underlying exasperation carefully masked. It was a testament to just how much he cared, because usually Tanaka didn't bother to curb any irritation he felt when he spoke to Noya. They spoke freely around each other, and it was rare to see him treading so carefully. "The team needs you."

Embers of resolve seethed in Noya's gut. He hated how his friend was looking at him, hated how that imploring gaze was fixed on him. He hated himself even more for turning his back so quickly. "I'm sorry, Ryuu," he said curtly. "But I meant what I said before. If Asahi isn't coming back, then neither am I."

Tanaka didn't look angry, or even hurt. Instead, his expression morphed to one of confusion. "Dude... no offense, but why? You're one of the top Liberos in the prefecture. Why are you--"

"Why is it any of your business?" He countered, but there was no real bite to his words. A gritty, selfish sort of guilt ate at his insides. 

"I'm just trying to look out for you. Man, you _love_ volleyball. It doesn't make any sense. You're giving all of this up because of..." 

_Asahi._ Just because of him. That was a question Noya himself wasn't quite sure how to answer. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

Tanaka shook his head in bewilderment. "That's not something normal people do. Is it... you and Asahi... Do you...?"

"Do I what?" He demanded, bristling at the unspoken insinuation.

"Never mind," Tanaka said quickly. "I'll see you around?"

"Yeah. Definitely."

Even after Tanaka left, Noya's brain was still reeling. Thoughts that had no business being in his mind began tunneling their way to the forefront of his brain. 

He didn't have an answer to the question Tanaka posed. All he knew was that he wasn't going to come back if Asahi wasn't either. He wasn't going to put hours into training and honing his skills and working with a team that didn't have their ace on it. He couldn't play on a team that was destined to progress even without Azumane Asahi. Because that would only be confirming what Asahi had believed. That damned idiot.  


As for why Noya cared so much...

He just did. 

He couldn't explain it—wasn't sure if he _wanted_ to explain it, because that would mean confronting things that were better left untouched. 

  
  


_"I'm useless, I'm the reason we lost, there's no place for me here."_

Noya would replay those words in his mind until the meaning would become unhinged, until his brain was reduced to a broken record. 

"You're an idiot!" Noya would scream to the Asahi his mind conjured up. "How dare you say that! How dare you say that you don't matter." 

It killed Noya that after a year of volleyball together, he hadn't seen it coming. It hadn't even crossed his mind that Asahi would quit so readily, and over something so trivial. He hadn't even begun to realize...

But of course he hadn't. No, as a freshman, he'd been too entranced by the tall, fit second-year to delve below the surface. He'd spent too much time admiring corded muscle and perfect form and powerful sets. Asahi was an impressive volleyball player, after all. So why the hell shouldn't Noya take time to commit it all to memory? He was supposed to know his team like the back of his hand, so what was the harm in letting his eyes linger on one person in particular?  
It wasn't... It wasn't something as inane as infatuation. More like a totally justifiable admiration. And who wasn't at least a little impressed by Asahi? On the court, he commanded an impressive presence. He looked powerful, and strong. Assertive, and wholly capable.

There was nothing wrong with acknowledging skill when he saw it.

The real problem began when Noya started focusing less on serves and spikes and technique, and more on flyaway strands escaping messy buns, and an impressive five o'clock shadow. He began paying attention to the finer details; how Asahi's nail beds always looked bitten raw, but the poor state of his fingernails barely detracted from the elegance of his long-fingered, calloused hands. He noticed how Asahi always had a timid sort of smile on his face, how his cheek would twitch almost imperceptibly right before a match, how his laugh was a quiet chuckle, but when bolstered by confidence, would grow to a brazen sound capable of rivaling Noya's own raucous laugh.  
It was hard not to be at least a little enamoured by Karasuno's wing spiker and eventual ace. 

But Noya's was an innocent sort of fascination. 

_(He'd repeat that to himself on the rare nights that left him sweaty and gasping and just a little bit guilty.)_

It was later in his first year that Noya began to notice some other things about Asahi. How he once found the older boy standing outside the gym with Suga speaking to him in low, hushed tones.

Or how he discovered Asahi taking these tiny white pills in the mornings during their training camp. He was always very subtle about it, only slipping one into his palm after the group's collective attention was focused elsewhere. Noya finally asked about them once over breakfast.

"Asahi-San! What is that?"

Noya still remembered how Asahi's posture had been slightly hunched over, as if subconsciously trying to make himself appear smaller. "Oh, ah," he scratched the back of his neck. "Just for headaches."

"Oh. Is it like Tylenol? I could never swallow pills growing up. My mom would always stick vitamins and cold-fx into my jello because she hoped I'd swallow it without noticing."

"Did it work?" Asahi had asked politely. "We're you able to... Er, swallow?"

"Nah. Usually ended up choking."

At the time, he hadn't for the life of him been able to figure out why Tanaka had burst out laughing. 

  
  


So, in short, there had definitely been signs. There had _always_ been signs outside of the nerves Asahi exhibited right before a match.

Noya had just never made a connection. He'd even chalked Asahi's quitting the team as his stupidity and inferiority complex.

'A coward,' Noya had called him. He should have known better, should've held a little more faith in their ace. Of course there had been more to it than what he'd seen. He wondered how he'd been so dense. 

  
  


  
  
  
  
Being short was a never ending battle. People naturally seemed to look down on Noya for his small stature, like he was somehow beneath them simply because he was... Well, _beneath them._

He couldn't even walk down the hallway without being subjected to constant jostling. And of course his meeting with the counselor ended right as the bell rang and the hallways became congested once more. His tongue burned with choice words when a tall first-year stepped on his foot, but the last thing he needed at the moment was causing a scene and having the dean involved.  
His last suspension had been more than enough punishment.

Yet it was probably only due to the constant pushing and elbowing that lead him to being shoved face-first into an all too familiar third-year. He let out an incoherent grunt, before scrambling back. 

"Nishinoya," Asahi blurted, too surprised to tack on a 'kun' at the end.

Noya's gaze definitely did not linger over the bronzed skin and shadow of stubble, the sharp edges and warm, liquid eyes.  
He opened his mouth to answer, but what issued from his throat was not a form of greeting, but something more accusatory.

"I saw your name on the schedule."

"I'm sorry?" Asahi questioned, eyebrows crowding together in confusion. His eyebrows weren't the perfectly arched brows that girls usually admired. No, they were almost bushy. _Prominent._ If he glared, he could certainly pull off a scary look. But his expression was seldom anything other than nervous or resigned. Now, though, his visage was growing more puzzled by the moment, and the parting of his lips was enough to spur Noya to elaborate. 

"T-the schedule for appointments," he made a vague gesture. "In the counselor's office. I checked, and your name was written on it. More than once."

"Y-you shouldn't have gone through the counselor's stuff," Asahi's voice was chiding, but Noya knew that the meaning was thin.

"She shouldn't have left it out on her desk," he countered easily. 

Asahi's lips pursed. He looked like he wanted to argue, but couldn't piece the right words together. 

"So why were you scheduled to meet with her?"

"Why were you in her office?" Asahi shot back.

"Course change," he answered instantly. "Psychology is _soo_ boring. Once you get past Freud and all the dick references it's all just, I dunno, how the brain functions. And our teacher spits when he talks. The entire first row is a splash zone."

"Psychology?" Asahi murmured thoughtfully. 

"Uh, yeah...? We're learning about mental illness right now and..." Noya's voice wavered. They were getting off topic, and this was definitely not what he wanted to discuss. "You still haven't answered my question, Asahi-san!" 

Asahi gave a pathetic sort of half shrug. "Just... the usual reasons."

He felt his mouth twist and his eyes narrow. "I gave _you_ a proper answer," the words were a challenge, and for all that Asahi acted indifferent, he still had a competitive nature, just as all athletes did, and the jab in Noya's words acted as a spark to the gasoline in his veins. 

Asahi's eyebrows scrunched in a line that managed to convey both frustration and uncertainty. His frown lasted a few seconds longer, before smoothing out into a neutral look that Noya wasn't quite sure what to make of. Asahi must have reached some silent decision just then, because he wrapped his hand around Noya's wrist without offering any semblance of explanation. 

"W-wha...?" Noya's formerly icy tone gave way to confusion as he flailed, letting himself be pulled along by the older boy. 

"Come with me," Asahi muttered firmly, and normally Noya would be proud to see his ace taking charge and not being so timid, but he was too busy trying to get his body to calm down at how much those words secretly affected him.

Asahi tugged him towards the bathroom, and any hope of keeping his heart rate steady went out the window. The older teen leaned heavily against the sink counter, steadying himself against it. He stared at Noya with a blank expression, bus his eyes were like hardened steel. "It started in eighth grade."

"What?"

Now Asahi visibly hesitated. He sucked in a nervous breath, steeling himself. "I played volleyball in junior high, too. And it was nice, for a while. But then I started having these... episodes, I guess? Sometimes during or before games I'd start feeling really light-headed, and my chest would tighten, and my arms and legs would go numb but they'd be shaking too... and... and you probably don't care," he said sheepishly. "Sorry, it's dumb." 

Noya had to clear his throat because it suddenly felt unnaturally tight. "It's not." Then he added in a more vehement voice, _"Tell me."_

"Right well, there would be other things too, like my heart would be beating like crazy, and my vision would go sort of blurry. I told my coach about it, and he figured I had low-blood sugar, or maybe even hypoglycemia. So I thought, hey, as long as I keep protein bars on hand I'll be fine. But then it started getting worse." Asahi's voice went quiet, but Noya didn't dare interrupt. Let him regain his bearings. It occurred to him that this was the most he'd spoken to Noya since their fight. The libero was so scared of messing things up again. Of stepping out of line and saying the wrong thing. A hot swoop of pity surged through him as Asahi continued. 

"Eventually I didn't want to go to school, or to the cinema, or the bookstore. Even stepping outside was difficult. I felt so small, almost detached from it all. The thought of traveling for school tournaments or vacation terrified me. Sometimes out of the blue, I would start panicking for no reason. It was so stupid, and I knew it was stupid, but it didn't stop, and it got bad so fast. I got so tired of it. I felt nauseous all the time." 

The words settled thick and slimy over Noya's skin, coating him with a muggy layer of dread. 

"So, um, my parents finally realized something was wrong with me about a year later. I was diagnosed with a panic disorder, and now I take medication. But it's still bad sometimes, and I can't handle pressure well or deal with failure. Uh, you must think I'm pretty pathetic." A strangled sound that was probably meant to be a laugh bubbled out of Asahi's mouth. 

Noya felt his jaw drop as if it were a loose hinge. "Are you crazy? That's... God, Asahi, I had... I had no idea."

Colour slowly suffused Asahi's neck; a steady flush that rose all the way to his ears. "It's stupid. I just make a big deal out of things."

Noya frowned, his gaze pinning Asahi where he stood. "I don't think it's stupid. You're pretty stupid, though." 

"Ah, um, thank you?" 

A sudden thought struck him. "Wait! So if you get anxious talking to people, do you get anxious talking to me?"

"No. What I have isn't social anxiety, just general. But I am, ah, a bit awkward to talk to."

"So me talking to you isn't stressful, or anything?"  
Asahi hesitated for an uncomfortably long time. Noya could picture the gears working in his brain. "Honestly? For the most part, I think talking to you actually helps."

"R-really?"

Asahi nodded seriously. "You always speak so loudly and you're insistent. It's like you always demand attention when you speak. You don't really give me the chance to get anxious over things."

A swell of pride unfurled in his chest. "Do you really mean that? You better not just be saying it to make me feel better!"

"You're pretty distracting, Nishinoya."

Whatever he was intending to say got lodged in his throat. Asahi found him distracting. He felt a warm thrill surge through his chest at the words. This was almost as good as the time he sprained his wrist and was escorted to the nurse's office by Kiyoko. Except that this was Asahi, and somehow, he wondered if that made it even better. 

"We should probably get going." Asahi's timid words jarred Noya out of his stupor.

"Oh, yeah. Do you wanna meet after school?"

Asahi froze as if a layer of frost settled over him. "Nishinoya--"

"We could walk to practice together."

Asahi averted his eyes. "I'm not rejoining the team," he said quietly.

"Why?" Noya demanded, a familiar irritation churning in his stomach. "No one holds anything against you. And now that I know the real reason you quit... Well, of course I don't blame you!" 

"Noya," Asahi tried to interrupt, but he pushed on. 

"Just come back and we'll work things out."

_"No."_

"W-what?" Noya blanched at that, at the finality in that one harsh word. 

"I said no. I-I can't," he amended. His voice sounded tight and strung with tension. "I just can't."

Asahi turned away, brushing past Noya as if it cost him nothing. As if he didn't even care. He had one foot out the door, when Noya heard himself blurt out, "You're walking away again?"

Asahi paused, shifting back just the tiniest bit before moving forwards again. And leaving. 

He didn't change his mind. 

But he hesitated. He listened. And that made all the difference. 

 

The days that once dragged by were suddenly moving quickly. 

He'd gone from a whole excruciating month of blatantly avoiding Asahi in the hallways, to actively seeking him out. This was a very transitional period. Things were changing, but he wasn't not sure if it was for the better, or for the worse. 

His hands instinctively clenched around the straps of his backpack, clinging to them like a life-line, or at least some form of tether. Something to ground himself in the present moment, to prepare him for the words he knew would come. 

"Nishinoya, I can't."

The declaration only made his grip tighten even more. He let his eyes wander past the older teenager as he tried to compose himself. Behind Asahi, the sun was setting, but it still looked too big, like it could easily swallow Noya whole. He felt too small, smaller than usual, because he knew that if he messed this up, then there would be no second chance. For once he actually needed to filter his words, but it was hard constructing careful sentences when Asahi was staring at him and looking like _that._  
A lacy veil of cirrus clouds stretched languidly across the sky. The wisp of clouds caught the last of the sun's orange-red rays, but some of that warm glow beamed down on Asahi, drenching him in an ethereal aura. He looked beautiful. The dark blush of sunset highlighted all of his features. And it wasn't fair. Noya wanted to be mad at Asahi right now. Or cross, at the very least, but all he seemed capable of was silently gawking. 

"I'm so behind," Asahi ducked his head. "It's embarrassing. Even if I rejoined the team..." he cringed. 

"That's what you get for slackin' off," Noya suddenly barked out, surprising himself as much as Asahi.

"Right. Sorry."

"Don't apologize! Just make sure you fix things. You quit the team. So if you're going to rejoin, you have an obligation to make up for it." 

"Er, yeah." 

The frown indenting Noya's forehead deepened. "Sound convincing at least!"

Asahi fiddled with the hem of his practice jersey. "I don't know if I _can_ catch up. That first year duo is already ahead of my skill set. And Tanaka could just as easily be the ace." 

Noya's body moved of its own volition, hands fisting the fabric of Asahi's shirt and yanking him down to his level. "Stop selling yourself short." A sharp inhale. "And come to the park with me to practice. Tomorrow."

"We have school tomorrow."

"Saturday," Noya revised. 

"O-okay," Asahi agreed immediately. Noya could see the hesitance in his expression, and he knew Asahi was only agreeing to appease him. But it didn't matter. He was going to convince Asahi to officially rejoin. 

"Make sure you're there early so we can get a lot done." 

"You really are quite strict with me," Asahi noted, with a soft laugh that only sounded a little forced. "But I'll be there.

  
  


As soon as he was home, Noya unplugged his phone from the wall charger, staring at the artificial brightness with somnolent eyes. He had two text messages from Tanaka, and while he read them both, neither of them processed in his brain. With clumsy fingers, he fired off a text of his own.

> 
>         _Asahi and i are going to the park saturday.  
>     > 
>     to practice volleyball _

Tanaka's reply was almost instant, the contact name 'Ryuu' followed by some suggestive emoticons flashing across the small screen.  


> 
>         _**u srs**  _
>       

> 
>         _yeaa. I mean, we havent worked out a time yet.. so i guess ill text him later?_
>       

> 
>         _**...  
>     > 
>     WAT  
>     > 
>     you have asahi's #???  **_

> 
>         _Yup! Since golden week of last year ;)_
>       

> 
>         _**daamn. out of third yrs i only have daichi-san's contact info. but that's 4 when he sends group messages to the team  
>     > 
>     but you go yuu **  _
>       

He smiled down at his phone, happy for reasons that weren't quite apparent.

> 
>         _**hey make his contact name 'ass-ahi'**  _
>       

Noya frowned at this. 

> 
>         _are you implying he's an ass??_
>       

> 
>         _**im implying that u spend a lot of time staring at his ass**  _
>       

Noya let out an indignant squawk, and selected the call button. Tanaka picked up right away. 

"I do not stare at his ass!" 

There was a muffled sound of breathing on the other end. "I'm sorry, who is this?" 

"Oi, you know damn well who this is." 

"I think you have the wrong number," Tanaka said, voice coming out breathy with restrained laughter. 

"Ryuu!" 

"Alright, alright." 

"Say it." 

"Hmm?" 

Noya pouted. "Say that I don't spend a lot of time staring at Asahi's ass." 

"I don't spend a lot of time staring at Asahi's ass," Tanaka repeated, word-for-word. Noya let out a warning growl that only made his bald friend guffaw. "Look, it's fine, Yuu. This means I can have Kiyoko all to myself," he said with a teasing jest in his voice. 

"Please. She is a goddess among us mere mortals. We must learn to be content with admiring her from afar."

"But alas," Tanaka sighed. The line crackled as he released a heavy drawn-out sigh. "Anyway, how did you manage to convince Asahi to practice with you?" 

Noya flopped against his bed. "I sort of yelled at him and told him to?" 

"...Oh. Very nice." 

"I didn't know what else to do!" 

"So you pressured the poor guy. Bet he had a panic-attack on the spot." 

Noya felt a sudden bitter taste creep up his throat. Tanaka's words were enough to curdle the excitement in his gut. 

"Noya?" Tanaka prompted at his silence.

"Do you think I really did give Asahi a panic-attack?"

"Dude, I was just joking. I mean, you know how silly he gets over things." 

"Silly," Noya echoed dumbly. 

The joking inflection in Tanaka's voice fizzled out. "Is something wrong?" 

It was there, dangling precariously on the tip of his tongue. The knowledge about Asahi's condition. But it had taken Asahi this long to confide in him, and telling Tanaka may have counted as a breach of Asahi's trust. "Um," Noya coughed, trying to clear up the tightness in his constricting throat. "Nothing. But, I'm gonna go to bed." 

"This early?" 

"Uh... shower. Then bed."

"Oh. Alright. Talk to you later, then." 

"Yep. Later." His hand shook as he ended the call, letting the phone drop to against the mattress. Had he really caused Asahi to...

_No._

No, he hadn't. Tanaka had been joking when he'd said that. But still, Noya couldn't help wondering if there had been other times when he'd inadvertently made Asahi's anxiety worse. He did put an unfair bit of pressure on the ace, but it wasn't mean-spirited, he just got frustrated. Someone as tall and broad and strong as Asahi shouldn't be so timid all the time. Even if he did have a reason. 

Noya edged off his bed as an idea struck him. He booted up his laptop, before plopping in the swivel chair. 

His fingers hovered uncertainly over the keyboard for a few lengthy seconds. He wasn't quite sure what he was intending to accomplish, but. He may as well look it up now that he knew about it. Without further preamble, he typed 'generalized anxiety disorder' into the search bar. 

He skimmed a few web pages, feeling something sink lower in his chest with every sentence. 

The first website explained that it was a mental disorder. It sounded so... different worded like that. More official than just calling it plain and simple "anxiety." According to the website, 1/3 of people diagnosed with it end up developing agoraphobia and becoming housebound for life. 

"Shit," he muttered, tempted to call Ryuu so he would have someone to freak out to. But that would mean betraying Asahi's secret. If it even was a secret. Maybe it was common knowledge and Noya was really just completely clueless. 

He read on, mentally cataloguing the list of physical symptoms that were typically associated with a panic-attack. 

His chest deflated. Maybe it wasn't fair of him to tease that Asahi was cowardly. Nix that. It was downright shitty of him to have picked on Asahi for always being so timid and silly over things. Even forcing Asahi to go to the park with him could be construed as a form of manipulation, couldn't it? Maybe he should cancel. 

His phone pinged, interrupting his train of thought. 

> __****
>     
>     
>      Hi, Nishinoya. I just wanted to double check which time we're meeting up to practice?  
>     > 
>     assuming we still are, that is.  
>     > 
>     Oh and it's Asahi, by the way     
>       
> 
> ****  
> 

He couldn't help grinning in spite of the situation. _Stupid,_ he mouthed, affection bleeding in his chest as he constructed a quick reply. He should cancel, or at least bring up the option for Asahi to decide whether or not he actually wanted to spend his Saturday with him. But seeing his upperclassman's text filled Noya with a stupid sort of happiness that he didn't want to throw away so readily. He was selfish. but he could live with that.  
  
  
  
It was cloudy when Saturday came, the clouds dark and heavy and boasting of rain. There was no new news from Asahi, so Noya figured that their training session was still on despite the poor weather conditions. Noya slipped on his black Karasuno jacket and a pair of track pants. It looked too cold for shirts and a tee. 

After procuring a volleyball from the haphazard mess that was his bedroom floor, and a waterbottle from the fridge, he left for the park. It was a fifteen minute walk. Under ten minutes if he jogged. He could take his time today, though. He still had a half hour before they were officially supposed to arrive. 

The pavement was mostly dry on the walk there, but the damp soil was evidence that it had already drizzled in the area. A heavier downpour was anticipated to follow later. The prospect of rain didn't deter Noya in the slightest. Karasuno's soccer team often had practices in rain or hail. And he was no pansy, either. 

When the park came into view, Noya was surprised to see someone already standing at their meeting spot. 

"Asahi-san!" 

The boy flinched in surprise, turning to meet him with an abashed smile. "Sorry. You startled me." 

"Startled? You were scared shitless!" 

Asahi scratched the side of his face. "I wouldn't go _that_ far." 

"What are you doing here so early?" 

Asahi frowned, checking the wrist-watch hidden under the sleeve of is jacket. An honest to god wrist-watch. Noya didn't know that people still wore them. And it was one of the old fashioned ones, rather than a digital clock. Then again, the watch thing did sort of fit Asahi. Noya filed away that little tidbit for later. 

"I'm only about ten minutes early?" 

"Still, I was planning on warming up before you. Why'd you get here so early?"

The older teen hesitated. "Well, I wanted to make sure I arrived on time. And I thought that maybe if I was late you might think I bailed, or something. I didn't want you to get upset with me."

Noya pursed his lips. He was already having difficulty refraining from chastising him. He blew out the air in his cheeks. "I wouldn't have gotten mad, Asahi. I understand if you're late, or if something comes up, or whatever. It's not a big deal." 

"Oh," Asahi's face seemed to fall for a moment, before he schooled his features into a neutral look. 

"I mean, it _is_ a big deal. To me." Noya flailed his arms as he tried to rectify his statement. "It does matter. I just meant, I'd be understanding if you didn't want to come. Or weren't feeling up for it." 

Asahi offered him a small smile in response. "Should we warm up?" 

Noya nodded in affirmation, depositing the volleyball on the dewy grass as he begins to stretch. He touches his toes, rotates his ankle, stretches his arms; the standard stretching before any game or match. But it was also significantly different from previous warm-up sessions, because this time, Noya didn't have the rest of his team to distract him from the long, lean musculature that was Azumane Asahi. Perspiration beaded at the crease of Asahi's hair, before slithering down to his brow. Noya watched how the tendons in his neck prominently stood out as he moved his head to the side, now unaware of Noya's blatant staring. Even with the jacket on, Noya could make out the outline of Asahi's muscles. 

A mantra of _shitfuckshitshit_ echoed in his mind, and for an embarrassingly long minute he simply gaped. 

Asahi finally caught his staring and arched an eyebrow in response. 

Noya broke eye contact immediately after that, making sure to turn away for the remainder of his stretches. If Asahi wasn't going to comment on it, then maybe he could pretend like it had never happened. It wasn't that big of a deal. He had simply been... contemplating the exercise routine Asahi did in his free time to earn such defined muscles. And probably abs, too. It was only weird if one of them made it weird. And it wasn't weird. He was sure guys did it all the time. Admired each other, that is. Or, _inspected._ Like when he and Tanaka had compared dick sizes. (It turned out that there may have been a bit of truth to the whole correlation between height and size.) 

Noya wondered if it was simply wishful thinking, or did he genuinely feel a gaze burning into him as he bent over to once again touch his toes? Unfortunately, it was probably the former. 

"What should we start with?" Asahi asked curiously, albeit a little wearily. 

The libero worried his lower lip between his teeth in thought. "Five laps around the park. I'll stay here and watch our stuff." He gestured to the volleyball and water bottles as explanation. 

"How come you don't have to run?" Asahi asked petulantly. 

Noya cracked a smile. "Because unlike you, I haven't been shirking my duties and have actually been doing laps at practice." 

"But--"

"Go, you big baby," Noya teased, elbowing Asahi in the side. The ace gave a worn out sigh, but complied without further arguing. Noya watched him jog around the perimeter of the park. It was probably a good thing that it was cold out. He's not sure he could have endured Asahi running in shorts. While the older of the two completed his laps, Noya tried setting and diving for the ball as an extended warm up. By the time Asahi finished, Noya was flushed and had guzzled a third of his water bottle. 

"Saw you slackin' off towards the end," Noya said, enjoying the easy camaraderie between him.

Asahi grinned unapologetically. "And here I thought you hadn't noticed." 

"Nothing goes past my notice!" Noya announced, puffing out his chest. "Now lets practice receives." 

They spent the remainder of the morning and the majority of the afternoon with Noya sending feeble tosses Asahi's way, and Asahi spiking them. A few self-deprecating comments from Asahi led to a waterfight between them, but Noya never actually got hit with water, and he knew Asahi was missing him on purpose. He really was too nice for his own good. Noya sure as hell wasn't showing him any mercy. The waterfight ended with Asahi sliding on the damp earth only to land on his butt, and Noya hovering over him laughing with a fullness he hadn't felt in a long time. 

Despite his worries that he might mess up, or make Asahi anxious, it was perfect. It was so perfect, that Noya had to question himself. Why was Asahi even here? Was it only out of a sense of obligation? He'd looked like he'd had fun, too, but Noya couldn't be certain.

It hit him out of nowhere, a revelation that shouldn't be as surprising as it was. But still. It only really crossed his mind now that... this was his only real tie to Asahi. Volleyball. The team. Karasuno. Without that, they were just two people living entirely separate lives, lives that had no reason to cross and intersect. He didn't know Asahi's favorite color, or book, or band. He didn't know what TV shows he watched, or what other hobbies he indulged in outside of schoolwork. He didn'tt know the names of Asahi's parents, or if he even had any siblings. 

Despite that, he _knew_ Asahi. He knew his nervous habits, had gotten good at reading the different types of smiles he wore; which ones were plastered on, and which were wobbly and tentative enough to be genuine. 

He knew how Asahi's body works on the court, how instinct took over and how he seemed to unfold, limbs spreading out to their full height, carried by the type of sheer power and confidence that left others slack-jawed and speechless, with the amount of admiration that almost blurred into jealousy. 

Maybe that was why he had threatened to quit volleyball if their ace didn't return. Because subconsciously he knew that moving on without their ace would mean cutting the only ties he had with Asahi. And he didn't want that. He really, _really_ didn't want that, and he wished there was an easy way to convey that. A way to confess and confide without making things messier. 

A movement in his periphery snaps Noya out of his reverie. A calloused hand brushes against his cheek, and he involuntarily tenses up. 

_Asahi-san._ He was going to...

The hand didn't settle on his face. Instead, it brushed past his cheek and then the back of his neck, before lifting the hood over Noya's head. 

"It's starting to rain," Asahi explained, as if what he'd done was perfectly normal. But then, why did he look so nervous himself? 

Noya's heart pounded painfully against his chest, the air in his chest snagging on his lungs. They were so close, almost flush against each other. If Asahi bent down, or if Noya moved up... 

"Oh my god!" A shrill voice shattered the strange atmosphere that had built up around them. For a moment there, the rest of the world had seemed to melt away, leaving only Noya and Asahi behind. 

"Isn't this the perfect scene for a horror movie?" 

Noya fixated on the source of the disturbance.Two teenagers, middle schoolers, from the looks of it, were meandering in their direction. 

"Two girls, alone in a park on a gloomy day. And then, out of nowhere, a serial killer appea--" The ebony haired girl paused to gawk at the sight of Asahi. With his hood pulled on to keep his hair from getting soaked, and the stubble lining his jaw, Noya supposed he looked a little sketchy, but nothing to warrant such a reaction. The two girls exchanged a wordless glance that still spoke volumes, before running away with twin shrieks. 

Noya stared incredulously at their disappearing forms, before turning back to the mortified giant beside him.

"Asahi--"

"It's alright," Asahi murmured, shoulders hunching. A flash of hurt filtered through the blank expression on his face. 

"Asahi," he repeated again. 

"It's okay. I know I'm oversensitive." 

"You're not!" Noya exclaimed, taking note of the incremental widening of Asahi's liquid brown eyes. "You're just soft-hearted. There's a difference."

"Um, thank you," the ace murmured. Even with the undercurrent of hurt, Asahi's voice was modulated and pleasant to listen to. 

"And I don't think you're scary. Or a serial killer. You're... you're flippin' amazing is what you are, Asahi." 

His expression slackened. "You know, you'd make a good motivational speaker."

Noya considered that for a moment. It sounded like he'd be in for a lifetime of brown-nosing and downright lying if he chose that particular career option. "Nah, then I'd have to lie to people's faces about how they're gonna be president, or one day invent something as good as soda flavoured Gari Gari-kun. Or somethin'." 

"You're always telling me things, though," Asahi interjected.

"Yeah but... they're all true."

"Y-you reall think I'm amazing?" Asahi looked so awed at that, as if praise from Noya actually held merit. 

"'Course," he croaked out, voice suddenly going hoarse. "You'd have to be amazing to be our ace. And just for the record, I don't think you've fallen behind at all." 

"Really?" 

Noya gave a perfunctory nod. "Mhmm. It's like you never left."  
  
  
  
When Noya got home, the first thing he did was call Tanaka. 

"How'd your date go?" Ryuu asked immediately. 

Noya drummed his fingers against his phone as he paced nervously. It was amazing that he still had pent-up energy after practicing all day. 

"Ryuu? How do you know if you're in love?"

"Whoa, seriously?" 

"Just... how can you be certain? How did you know with Kiyoko-san? Or with any of the other girls you've liked?"

There was a long moment of silence. "Honestly? I don't know. Most of the times I've been 'in love' with girls, it's mostly been for appearances, y'know? Like, everyone expects me to be some simple-minded guy who only cares about girls, so... I am."

"I'm not like that, am I?" 

"Wahaha!" Tanaka guffawed. "You? Of course not! You're too moonstruck over Asahi to push any expectations on me." 

"Is it that bad?" 

"Remember that time you had that gusher of a nosebleed during practice? It happened right after you eye-fucked Asahi." 

"That wasn't why my nose bled! I was hit in the face with a volleyball!" 

"No, no. That was just coincidental. Trust me. That nosebleed was _all_ Asahi."

"Ugh. Man, I can't even argue with that. It's gotten so bad. There was a moment when I thought he was gonna kiss me and--"

"--He _what_?!!"

"Well, it had just started raining, and he kind of accidentally stroked my face when he went to pull my hood up for me." 

"Dude!" 

"What?"

"You just described the plot of, like, ninety percent of shoujo mangas!" 

"You need to stop reading those, Ryuu. I thought we'd agreed you were cut off from them?" 

"They're Saeko's, not mine!" 

"Riiiight," Noya said slowly. He flopped down on his bed, considering smothering himself with his pillows. "It's seriously gotten so bad, though. With Asahi." 

"I thought you two had worked things out." 

"Well, ya. But I mean... _other stuff._ It's like, when I'm around him I want to... I dunno, punch him, or something." 

"That poor boy." 

"I mean, he's just so sweet, and--and honestly? Who is even that nice? Why is he so kind and attractive? And hip bones! It's not fair and I am so, so fucked." 

"I know," Tanaka said sympathetically. "I've known you were fucked since you told me about the sex dream you had about Asahi where you both turned into starfish and suctioned onto each other."

"I thought we'd agreed never to bring that up again." 

"Hey, that's what happens when you have sushi as a midnight snack." 

Noya groaned. He was frustrated for more reasons than one. "Seriously, what do I do?"

"Tell him how you feel." 

Noya sat up straight. "Is there an official word for what's wrong with you? There is no way I can tell him!" 

"Even if it's mutual?"

"It's... there's no way it is." 

"Yuu, my sweet summer child, I think you may be surprised."  
  
  
"Asahi and Nishinoya-kun," Suga trilled brightly. "Finish sweeping up the floor?" 

"Sure thing!" Noya saluted him before getting to work. Practice had ended. And it had been a good practice, too. His whole day had gone pretty well, actually. He'd gotten a B- on a test he'd been certain he was going to flunk, he'd been ignored by the goddess Kiyoko-san, and Asahi had officially rejoined the team. 

Hinata had fawned over the ace, and witnessing this had unintentionally elicited a blush from Noya. Is that what he looked like when he congratulated Asahi? 

"I can put the brooms away," Asahi offered, after they'd finished up.

"Nah, I'll help." The pair sauntered to the supply closet. 

"It's nice to be back," Asahi admitted, and Noya simply hummed in response, not quite hearing him. The ace said something else, but Noya was too busy glaring holes into the floor.

"I-is something wrong, Nishinoya?" Asahi inquired. 

He chewed on his lip. "I'm just frustrated, is all."

"Sexually?" Asahi asked. Noya whipped his head around so fast he thought he'd pulled something. "S-sorry," Asahi amended hastily. "It was meant to be a joke. I'm not funny. I'll just... shut up now." 

"Uh, right. Yeah." Good aim, ace. Definitely hit the ball on the mark there. 

Noya propped his broom against the wall with a bit too much force. It sent another one clattering to the floor. 

"I'll get it!" 

He and Asahi bent over at the same time to grab it, their hands brushing before Noya snapped his back. This really was a shoujo manga. Noya couldn't bring himself to meet Asahi's gaze, so he focused instead on the broom. There was a strip of duct tape rolled around the handle, holding the wood together. 

"This is the one I broke," Asahi said, recognition dawning in our eyes. 

_We broke._ Noya corrected silently. They'd broken it together. Not long ago he'd held the splintered wood in his hands, fuming at how callous his words had been, how quickly he'd lashed out. 

"Asahi-san!" Noya suddenly burst out, voice cracking over his name. "Do you like me?" 

Asahi's eyes widened. He looked at a loss. Stupefied at the blunt question. Noya's inquiry was supposed to be an innocuous question, but it escaped his mouth with a thread of worry. 

"Well, of course I like you, Nishinoya," Asahi said with a weak laugh, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. 

"Right," he nodded a couple times. 

"I guess I'd better be goi-" 

"That's not what I meant." He refused to act placated by Asahi's response when we he wasn't. _He wasn't._

Asahi shifted from foot-to-foot. He was much too strong and tall to look so uncomfortably out of place. "What do you mean?" 

The words were a lot harder to find with Asahi staring at him like that. He replayed Tanaka's assurances silently. "If you... Dammit. Okay, look," a sharp intake of breath. "I'm just gonna get right to the point. I'm not going to keep dragging this on if you don't care, and mostly I'm not.... I'm. I-I don't wanna you to be my "almost." I don't want that, Asahi-san." His voice dropped almost shamefully.

The world seemed to balance on a needlepoint. 

"Noya, I'm not really sure what you mean?" 

"I like you, Asahi. I really, really like you. I like your eyes, and your smile, and your laugh, and your hands, and your hair buns. And even your stupid hipbones! And I can't keep deluding myself thinking that you might like me back, and all I want is to kiss you right now." 

"Nishinoya," Asahi said firmly. Noya's mouth closed as if it had been cemented shut. He stared at the decisive look on Asahi's face that persisted even while the ace's legs shook with nervousness. "I like you too. A lot." 

"You do?" 

Asahi nodded. "There was one time... it was so stupid... I thought I was anxious around you, because every-time you came up to me, my heart would start beating like crazy and my chest would feel tighter. But I know now that it's because I like you." 

Noya's eyes flickered across Asahi's face, searching for a lie where there clearly wasn't one. He was so relieved he could cry. "You should kiss me, Asahi-san." 

"O-okay."

Asahi shifted closer, and it was just like at the park on Saturday. His hands brushed against Noya's cheeks, as if to reach further in order to raise his hood for him. Except, he wasn't wearing a hood. And it wasn't raining. And Asahi hadn't moved his hands passed his face. Instead, he was cupping Noya's chin in his stupidly large hands, staring down at him with apprehension. He leaned down slowly, bridging the gap between them and closing their height difference until it was no longer noticeable. Noya leaned up to meet him. 

Asahi's lips were even more chapped than his own. Which made sense, in a way. He'd probably bitten them raw out of worry during panic attacks. His lips were chapped, but it made every crack and ridge more prominent as Noya dragged his lips across them. It was probably very sloppy, but Noya didn't care. There was an art to kissing, he was sure, but it wasn't one he'd previously learned. Surely it was something that could be rectified with practice. 

His lithe arms came up to encircle the older boy's neck, drawing him closer until their bodies were flush against each other. Asahi kissed tenderly and tentatively, but Noya pressed in hungrily. He gripped onto the lapels of Asahi's clothes, holding onto him while trying not to be overly clingy and starfish-like. 

They only broke the kiss when the need for oxygen kicked in. Noya gasped in a lungful of air, before diving back in to kiss and mouth at Asahi's throat. 

"My heart's beating really fast," Asahi panted.

Noya tilted his head up, eyes fixing on Asahi scrupulously. "Mine too," he murmured against his skin. 

"And I feel kind of dizzy," Asahi laughed with a deep baritone. "I'm even shaking. It's almost like I'm having an attack."

Noya broke away slightly, but stilled when Asahi's arm wrapped around his waist. "Are you feeling anxious?" He questioned. He wanted Asahi to know he didn't think his anxiety disorder was silly or dumb. He intended to take it seriously. 

"I'm a bit anxious," Asahi admitted. "But a bit of anxiety can be good. And this is the good kind." 

Noya grinned. "Then kiss me again."

  
  
Tanaka was right. His life really was the plot of some damned shoujo manga.

**Author's Note:**

> pls excuse the lack of clarity/plot.
> 
> First time writing an asanoya-centric fic so feedback would be really nice!


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